My Other Half Makes It Impossible To Be A Success **HELP**
For 2 years now I've been with the person I love. Her thoughts on life differ than from mine but mine don't differ from hers. I find it Very Necssary to budget ones money and make sure bills are paid on time, I find it very important to invest a small pecentage of ones paycheck into some sort of savings, be it 401K or low risk stocks or CDS. I'm sick of being the only one that cares for our future. We get into huge arguments over saving money, she is a waitress and the majority of her income is from tips be it $40 to $90 a night now over a 2 week period this would be a large sum of cash (well to us bottom folk) but since she gets it every night in small sums it gets nickled and dimed into nothing everyday. I can not make it make sense in her head that a percentage of her daily earnings needs to be put away, but instead it gets spent on a new movie and take out food everyday almost, I don't know what I'm asking for. Have any of you had this problem with a loved one, I mean she gets mad at me when I want to save my money for the greater good of the future, shes mad that I just got my house out of forclosure and now have a $800 payment instead of a $500 because I have to pay off forclouser fees, she'd rather move and rent a cheaper place!!!!!!! WTF!!! I owning and investing makes sense to me and you, but how the heck to you make it make sense to someone that doesn't want to hear it because they want to spend what they have now, and worry about the future??? Please help with some advice...
Mike...
gosh thats a tuff one, because, well if youre one making the big money, (i say that as you making the greater than your lady), then i would think that she would respect your concern because its technically "your" money. However i also know that in a relationship its "our" money... so to be honest i dont have a solution to the problem but rather i suggest you and her should read a book. Go to the local library and look up, Rich Dad Poor Dad. That might put some sense in her brain as to what she should be using that money on, and maybe it'll help you alot too.
just a suggestion if you havent done it already. i'm younger than you are probably, so dont take my word for it... i just recently got engaged. my fiance is a better money saver than i am.
best of luck.
[addsig]
One thought might be to suggest to her that she gets a different line of work. Waitressing gets the cash in hand, but a more stable job would pay every 2 weeks/ twice a month. Other than that, it wopuld seem that you teo have a lot to talk about...
I sure do understand your problem!
No use getting mad!, it makes you sick and it sure does not help the marriage/relationship.
I have a similar situation and the way I deal with it is:
I pay all the bills, make sure things are on time. My spouse does not get the checkbook. I do all the necessary grocery shopping, etc.
We do not eat out, I cook every day no matter how tired or late I am.
I saved money from my work to start doing my Sub-2 deals, what I make on them goes in a separate account for my next deals, - I am just starting out, so there is no profit yet!.
When I sell, the downpayment goes this way: 1/3 into escrow to safeguard the mortgage payments if my buyer defaults, 1/3 into a "parking account" for next deals, 1/3 to start paying off debts.
My husband knows that he will not be able to touch my money made with Sub-2 deals.
This may seem harsh, but is sensible (to me and to him).
The agreement we have is that when we "don't have to worry about money" anymore, I will give him some to "play with" and that will be accomplished by my paying half of the bills and him paying half of the bills. His half comes from a fixed income and the other half of his income will be his' to do with as he pleases and if it is gone, it is gone and he has to wait till next month.
You can only control you, you cannot control anybody else! Let your wife do what she wants, you take care of you and what you want to do, take care of the bills, and save some, if possible, for your RE deals. It is no use getting mad, it will certainly not change the situation and it will only frustrate you and lead to a mess-up of your relationship; just hope that someday she will see your point of view, you cannot impose it on her or anybody else.
I hope this will help you some.
Don't let anybody steal your dreams, work on them yourself, do make them true yourself, others will come around to see your dreams when they come true!
If you decide that you will be a success at what you want to do, you WILL become a success, think positive, and do not blame your wife for not hinking the way you do. People are all different, and although most of us who are married or have a boy/girlfriend relationship do share most values and interests, we do not share all of them. Save your energy for your CREI dreams and implement them, enjoy your time with your wife, and although you two live toghether, that does not mean that each of you cannot be independent too.
Like they say in Spanish: (translated) toghether but not scrambeld!
Ladybug[ Edited by Ladybug on Date 11/25/2003 ]
I second the "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" book idea. It's not a difficult read, and I think it does an excellent job of making you think outside the box, so to speak. If I recall, it even addresses the issue of flittering away one's money.
Watch out though, he also says owning your own home is a liability (if you read the whole book you know what he means, but if it's the only phrase she picked up on, she might misunderstand it and give you a hard time )
Owning your home IS a liability in that it takes money out of your pocket. BUT, you have to live and if you can put your money into your own pocket rather than a landlords, that is better. However, don't live beyond your means...work to expand your means!
Its better to put an extra $300/mo or so into your investment activiites than put that into a mortgage payment verses renting.
I hear ya buddy! My wife has been that way forever. She thinks she should have everything now, not thinking that it will put us behind even more. Last night I talked withe her for 6 hours about "Goals". I made her listen to Tony Robbins/ Robert Kiyosaki/Earl Nightingale cd's to try and make her understand that if we sacrifice a little now, we could eventually get to where we want to be, debt free, and have time with each other since our investments pay us.... not our jobs! Brian Tracy said it best, "The long view strenghthens the short view." If you can coax her into listening to any audio programs or read a book it may help. Right now I am at the end of my own rope trying to get my wife to understand what I am doing and I keep hearing the little voice in my head that reminds me to surround myself with the people and circumstances that harmonize with my own dreams. Hope you find a way....
I am currently in a similar situation. The other half does not want to see things eye to eye or even support me on investing in real estate. I am determined to follow my dreams and to take care of me at all costs. It's time to start living and thinking out of the box!!!!
Mike,
I am going to give you a different perspective than you have been getting so far.
It is apparent that you are not married to this "woman you love". I think both of you should begin exploring where you want this relationship to go. Then figure out how you want to get there, and how to maintain it once you are there.
Your lady has her own ideas about how she can and should spend her money. She is independent, and free to make her own decisions without requiring your approval. That may change when you get married, but for the moment don't hold your breath. Recognize, that for now, her annual income is only about $15K per year and probably in her mind there is no room for savings.
By all means, give her a copy of Rich Dad Poor Dad and a copy ofThe Millionaire Next Door. Use these books as conversation tools to explore and clarify where each of you are with respect to money. Expand the discussion to future goals and the actions required to get there.
On the other hand, you need to have an open mind about your own actions. Your lady suggested that you move into a cheaper place. Why is that not a good idea? Are your finances strained now? Consider turning your home into a rental for a couple of years if the rent will cover your monthly expense. Now move into a less expensive place while your forebearance agreement is in effect. You may find that you get a better tax benefit from a rental property (that your tenants are paying for on your behalf) than you would get from just living there yourself.
I sense that money is a real touchy subject for you. Back in the dark ages when I was young and planning to get married, an older, wiser, and married friend told me that during the first three years of marriage, 90% of our arguments will be about money or sex. I suspect that money is the main reason behind the failure of so many marriages in the first four years.
I hope you and your lady can reach a mutually satisfying accomodation here, but you need to do it as a team. Start to do this by developing a budget -- together as a partnership. Find ways to make small concessions to her spending wants, without sacrificing your long term goals. As you track your spending patterns, you may find that each of you are able to change some spending behaviors that are detrimental to your long term financial goals.
I'm kinda mixed with my wife. She knows we have to save and sometimes yells at me for spending over our budget. BUT I tried to get her to read Kiyosaki, REI books, anything to get her mindset straight!
But with no avail...she still thinks stagnant money is a good thing. I mean it's not bad but we can do more with our savings...
Mental note: set up seperate account for REI purposes.
There are definitely different views about finances in a marriage/relationship at any given time. The good thing is that people change and this too shall pass. It might be easier to start small and don't make any SUDDEN MOVEMENTS as to scare her away. Maybe establishing a change jar that gets put aside each month could build to a dollar jar which could build to 10% of the income. It does take a while for the benefits of certain strategies to become evident but she IS watching that is certain. When my wife and I met she had a hard time setting aside any percentage of her check to investments she recently setup a 15% deduction herself. This is no credit to me but just to say that given time people can adjust.
Rich Dad, Poor Dad is the most immediate educational resource I would recommend to your spouse at this time.
Money issues should have been discuss up front before the marriage. As in who would and how would we handle the household finances.
Getting on the same page and or road in a life you plan on sharing together is critical. Now, your wife's a waitress; I don't want to be flip, however, she definetly needs a lesson in economics.
Good luck, I'm not married and this is one of the reasons I'm not. I haven't the patience for such wanton financial ignorance! In this day and age where she could attend the University of Barnes and Noble for free; there is just no excuse.
mike aka gyva,
I think if you read what you wrote ... you have the answer.
you cant make anyone do anything that they are unwilling to do or may not be in their nature. I'm not a relationship expert by any means, but since you posted and asked... I believe it's time for you to make a decision...
good luck
As a nation we are not taught the power of compound interest. We don't understand that it can work for or against us.
We are taught that the one with the newest toys are cool.
Most of us are not willing to make a sacrafice to get kind of jobs that pay very well.
These are the reasons why most people in this country carry a mountain of debt and have no savings.
It took her all of her life to get to develop her habits. It will take her almost the same amount of time to change to your way of thinking. But untill she has come around to your way of thinking do not plan to mingle money.
Thank you all for your comments, I will get a copy of rich dad poor dad and start reading it right away, then I'll pass it along to her. You know it fustrates me enought that I see her nickle and dime her money away and our agreement is I pay the house payment $800, and she pays the utilities maybe about $400 total with internet and cable included. she nickle and dimes so much away that I end up have to help her out on the bills. Then on top of that anything that I have left over will make her mad if I spend it on investment purposes or save it. She figures if I have a $100 I better be taking us out to dinner and a movie and If I don't WWW3 is sometimes the result. I love her when money is not the subject. but I wish her mind could see the greater good of not eating out now and maybe watching movies on the dang cable we have now. And leaving my funds out it, their mine and its her fault for not budgeting hers. Thanks everyone I'm looking forward to new comments when I get home from work. Thanks!
Personally, I think all the approaches are wrong. JMO though. I really don't believe shoving books, tapes, and all other education materials including the 4 hour come to jesus talks is the right approach.
You can't force someone to do something. You married her, you love her, then you need to understand she is her own person and will not understand what your trying to tell her because she just doesn't get it and doesn't want it.
So, your approach should be like this:
Sweetheart, you know I love you and I know you love me. If you came to me and asked me to do something, I would do it and make any sacrifices necessary to make you happy. This is all I'm asking in return. If you cannot make this sacrifice for me, then we have to rethink if this is truly what both of us want.
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Been saying this for years:
Put 2 people who love each other alone in a room. Put a serious money problem between them and observe how long that love lasts.
Dear Gywa,
I used to be a portrait painter and I dealt with wealthy people. I never ceased to be amazed at the people who did not have furniture in their large homes. Once, I did a job for a lawyer and the family had a plastic play fort /swing set in their living room. They did not invite me to sit down because they didn't have a chair for me to sit in. Their address was one of the most prestigious in town. I asked my agent why they didn't have furniture and she said they put their money in the things that count; namely investments.
This was not uncommon. Compare them to our tenant family that cannot pay the rent. My father stopped by to work out a payment plan and found them watching their new large big-screen T.V. It's a shame because this tenant has a lot of talent and a great personality. He has the ability to make something out of himself.
That's real life 101.
Cordially,
Alice Stevens
I have learned this lesson the hard way. I was so caught up in planning for the future and investing money in my dreams that I completely disregarded the dreams that my wife had. Now I am going through a seperation and I wish I could go back and spend $50 a week on taking my wife out and showing her how much I love her. REI is great but don't ever forget that relationships are a long term investment that can yield much higher returns than any investment property can. Great Luck to you in the future.
Hey there,
Some people are just not money people. In my family roles are reversed...I am a CPA and my husband (wonderful man) hates money. He hasn't touched it in 11 years. We set up a "allowance" account he felt he needed access to for his job ( sales - entertaining) and the rest is mine. We both respect each other enough to consult the other before big purchases ( decided together what constitutes big for you two). He has access to all of the money - don't get me wrong, but this way the household finances and my investing are handled without stressing him out. Maybe something similar would help you - as long as you do it together.
A major warning first - don't comingle your money until you know she's the one for you! My husband is stuck with me at this point!
Interesting post with good comments.
As has been said, I think it's important to prioritize. Which is more important to you, keeping the relationship together and living paycheck to paycheck or investing prudently in RE alone?
Financial disagreements are the #1 cause of divorce and separation, and based on your differences it sounds like yours could be a divorce in the making if you're not careful.
Efforts to change one's spouse are generally met with resentment, rebellion, and polarization. She obviously doesn't see that there is anything wrong with her and therefore sees no need to change. I do think time and gentle coaxing will be the best teacher.
I bet if you look at her parents, they did/do the same things that she does with money. You're most likly trying to undo 20 years of education that she recieved from birth. Switch places for a moment. How hard would it be for you to start spending more than you make, maxing out credit cards, buying everything you want. You'd be going against everything that you'd been taught and everything that makes sense to you. Realize that THAT is exactly what you want her to do. I know you can make a very convincing logical arguement, but what we're up against are habits and emotions.
That said, here are a few thoughts.
Whatever agreement you have, put it in writing. This forces you both to recognize all aspects of it and will prevent many assumptions (such as He'll bail me out when I'm irresponsible).
How have you filed your taxes? If you've filed seperatly, you may want to pay your bills diligently and let the bill collectors come after her. If you have separate credit, then you're won't be damaged by her actions.
I'd sit down on the computer with her and help her (but let HER do the choosing even if you disagree) pick out a couple of stocks or mutual funds that she can invest in. Even if it's only $100 she can keep an eye on it, watch it move.
Whatever she spends on frivoulous things with her tip money, you should be able to put an equal amount into savings to do with as you choose. That's her play money, this is yours.
You may want to create an excel spreadsheet (financial planing web sites could do the same) and show the difference in your retirement if you invest $100 per month vs relying on social security.
Most people that have poor financial habits have recieved poor training, and are used to getting things that they want when they want them. Now someone like you is trying to take that away. I think she can come around, but probably not as quickly as you would like her to. Another good, easy, read that could help her out is "The Richest Man In Babalyon" (BTW, I'd go RDPD, Babalyon, and then Millionaire next door...in that order). You may consider reading for 30 minutes together every night before bed. Let HER do the discovering. When she has realizations and breakthroughs support her and say, "wow, that is interesting" (instead of "AND......"
It sounds like in her mind cash is for spending. Bugeting is a tough thing to do, but if you could start out basically, and get her to use all of her tip money to pay the bills at the begining of the month, and then play with what's left at the end of the month. Not the end goal, but it makes her responsible. After that, deposit half of her tips in the bank EVERY night on the way home from work.
Tough problem. Realize that she may never change, and that damage can be done to your relationship when you try to make her do something. I'd encourage her to do things differently, but be prepared to love her just the way she is for the rest of your life.
[ Edited by hibby76 on Date 11/29/2003 ]
The Richest Man in Babylon may be a better choice than Rich Dad; it's short and take only an hour or so to read, and it focuses on one point - pay yourself 10% of everything you earn and don't touch it.
I aquired my properties by owner financing thus no money out of pocket all profit goes to better the buissness.
All of this money I take care of as well as the day to day running of the buissness.
Oh by the way the wife takes care of the personel finances( and pretty good at it to )but anything left gets wasted big time.
Also she gets pretty uptight about CREi.
ED
I have been reading all the posts, all quite interesting and educational because they reflect everybody's view of one problem, and the way each of us would solve that particular problem.
I have been married 2 times in my life: the first time when I was 22 to a man who was 13 years older than I. He was a spendthrift, could not hold a $ 100.00 bill without it burning his hand!
We had separate accounts (also a prenuptial); when we got divorced after 4 years of marriage (not because of money problems) I had money in my account, his' was empty.
For over 20 years I remained unmarried, had two kids to raise, no child support, worked all over the world.
I married for the second time, almost 7 years ago: my husband is a spendthrift, cannot hold a $ 100.00 bill in his hand without it burning him. We have separate accounts (also a prenuptial)but.... I wasn't making a lot of money like when I was young, I wanted to be just a housewife and make some money to add to his income, for the little extra's.
He went waaay out of hand with spending. I started to look for ways to make a loooot of money, to cover the debts. Found this site and Sub-2, and started doing it.
We are no youngsters, so we had quite a few conversations about money. He acknowledges that he has a problem (he is a 100% disabled VietNam veteran who has PTSD) and will try to curb his need to spend, I will try to make as much money as possible to get us out of debt and have money to enjoy doing things toghether.
Getting angry and blaming is NOT the way to go. Getting emotional is wrong too, because it won't let you think with your brain!
It is essential to respect each other and accept each other the way each of you is. That is a fundamental part of love and of marriage/relationship.
As I said before: you can only control yourself, you cannot control somebody else.
If your wife decides that she wants to change, she will, you cannot make her change.
She isn't necessarily keeping from being a success; if you decide that you are going to be a success doing CREI, you will! despite your wife's nickle and diming her money away.
Have definite rules on what each of you contributes to the household moneywise, and stick to it! The bills have to be paid, no escaping that.
It takes a lot of love and understanding to have a "give and take" in a relationship, however, that is necessary to make it work.
I wish you well!
Ladybug
we are diferent my wife was the saver and i the spender and i have also read rich dad poor dad and now we are both the saver for OUR future[ Edited by stephen_walker on Date 11/25/2003 ]
Seems this is tearing people apart. I'm lucky that with my age I will be financially free likely before I get married.
A couple Ideas I had while reading the posts:
Get some marriage/relationship counsel
every body knows that most devorces are about money. A 3rd party counselor could help your wife understand how badly her habits hurt your relationship. Perhaps help setup a budget.
I definatly think that writing down your expectaitions of eachother and your resposibilities is a good idea.
Keep your goals in mind. Better yet write them and stick them on prominent walls in your home where you (and she) will see them all the time. Things like "financially independant by age 30" stuff that is really bold. Maybe you could get her to make some goals. put your non-financial goals up too: "graduate by ???" "Learn to cross stich by ???"
I think you should go on a date at least once a week. I didn't say go out to eat or to a movie. A date can be very free. A park, a drive, a walk, I'd make a goal to only eat out 1 or 2 times a month.
And for heck sakes CANCEL THE STUPID CABLE!!! It is so worthless and just costs tons of money.
There are surely thousands of books that you could read about relationships
Get her to bring her money home FIRST and separate it in to envelopes one each for: Gas, Water, Electric, Gasoline, Car payment, Cable (WHAT? you still have cable!!!jk), Food, etc.
See Genisis 2:18-24
Good luck.
Josh
[addsig]
I second the marriage counseling idea, although it might be hard for each of you (for your own reasons) to spend money on that.
I know that you're problem is not unique. I find myself greatful that my wife and I have similar views on finances. Our biggest financial disagreement has been "should we buy a $6000 used car or a $3000 used car". The latter won out (actually it was $3200, which later got broadsided at 3 mph and the insurance company gave us $1800, making it a $1800 car )
Not trying to rub anything in, but I would caution those who have not yet taken this step to discuss the specifics of their financial lives.
For most of us there are more people in the world that we are capable of loving than we are capable of living with. Those two things are frequently confused.
If you plan on marrying this woman you better make sure the both of you are on the same page as far as finances, other wise your doomed!!!! The first thing you need to do is read Rich Dad Poor Dad, this book will change the way you and your girlfriend think about money, then you need a budget. Don't even think about investing until your personal finances are under control. People are hard to change especially when it comes to spending money, if she's not willing to change her ways it's time to move on.
The question she needs to answer is, "Does she like her job?" Why work hard for her money in a job she does not even like and makes someone else rich? Because like Rich Dad says, are you working for your money or letting your money work for you. When she lets her money work for her then she can tell her employer, "Thanks for allowing me to work and invest my savings to be able to say I quit." Life is Good!!
Very good advice from all of you. Thank you! looks like a copy of those books will be what I do first then I will try to get her to read them without forcing her to. I like the idea of giving her a $100 to inves so she can kinda see how it works I bet her eyes would light up if her stock started moving up and maybe she'd catch the bug. but for now I'll search for the books on EBAY which is an awesome thing to do for extra money, I buy carburetors for $10 at junk yards and they sell for around $50 on there, its kinda my way to make extra cash and it works, I've tried to get her to think of things to sell on there but that doesn't intrest her either. but maybe with time and suddleness all will work out in the end. Thanks everyone.
1 1/2 years ago I was in the same boat, and his family who deeply believe there is some show of good character in struggling and just getting by were bucking me and supporting him as well. On the bow of the proverbial sinking ship, I jumped--kids in tow, 3000 miles to a place where investing is do-able. At first he filed for divorce. Eventually, cold, wet and hungry, he decided to give it a try. This year we have purchased and rennovated a duplex, put ourselves in a nice SFR, and we're just closing on a flip that looks very promising. Meanwhile, the home we were struggling to hang on to is churning a tidy positive cashflow which will allow us to maintain and repair it (200 year old money pit). It was scarey and hard, but I had to put my foot down. If you aren't married and it's this difficult, good luck. Something my sister tried was bill envelopes--each day they emptied their pockets dividing the cash among designated bills, including one for mad money or entertainment. It took this simplistic tactic to retrain their brains into handling their money. Personally, I keep a running spreadsheet on my PC and always know in a moment where I'm at this month and for the next six months. My hunnie still doesn't know what color the checkbook is, and he has to quitclaim every deal, but he's into finding the good ones and slinging a paint brush for the future. His motivation is a classic porche he wants, I just want to breathe easy. Good Luck!!
My ex was a home improvement contractor who never advertised and worked everyday. He EARNED excellent money, yet our bills were never paid on time, because he was a terrible money manager. I am a better manager. When I tried to explain our strengths and weaknesses, he took offense. Somehow, in his head he figured he had to be a good money manager since he was so good at earning it. It didn't matter that he was paying upwards of 24% for loans because his credit score was minus 400, or that we were giving a ton of money away in late fees. He also made real estate deals on a "handshake," with nothing in writing and got taken to the cleaners a couple of times. We never saw eye to eye on money.
So I stopped fighting. I hate fighting over money. I also stopped filing joint taxes and refused to sign for any credit. (He insisted he had a right to use "my name" in deals since I was his wife) Needless to say, we divorced and yes, money management was just one of the many reasons, but when he left, he was broke, and I had a few bucks in the bank.
Don't fight over money if you can avoid it. Find creative ways to reach your goals. Make sure she sees how a seed planted here and there results in a harvest. Maybe one day it'll click. She sounds very young and inexperienced. She needs to "feel" the pain of not having a savings.
I was in this situation! I am the money person in the relationship. My partner is more interested in spending "like a drunken sailor" as my grandmother used to say.
I first had to REALLY decide that this was the person I wanted to spend my life with. With the answer to that, I then laid down the law.
Hand over ALL of your finances to me or I'm out. Period.
I made my case and after 4 years, the credit score has improved more than 100 points, collection accts are paid off, house is refi'd, HELOC in place, $15K of home improvements, 401K is catching up and the biggie is a 2004 Audi A6 for Christmas.
This is in addition to the real estate investing. Now I'm a hero and even the family can't believe the improvement.
It's still a daily negotiation (do you really NEED $150 jeans) but the result is worth it.
I have the best wife in the world.
I am the one who wants to be wealthy, she would be just as happy living in a tow behind camper.
You might want to help her see that
1 - you will probably die first. Wouldn't it be nice if she owned an apartment or maybe 5 houses to support her after you're gone.
2- as she gets older and less pretty her tips will go down
3. while you can never be rich (the average household worth of the top 1% of americans is 10,000,000 - not easy to get there) , you can be well off. Find some people older than you who are well off who started where you are - and let her get to see their life - and how they got there.
i know exactly what your talking about, i started crei in boise with my girlfriend of four years back in 95, i was blessed with good contacts and a good team, however, cash could never be saved (always used OPM)..i had found we never had cash when things were struggling and later found we never had cash when things were good..the more i made for us in REI the more was spent..it got so bad that i decided to go down south and do underwater construction worldwide..this little move worked out..i was gone offshore 9 months out of the year..i was making good money when i was offshore but struggled when on the beach..i feel this taught her the budgeting aspect of life together as she was the one to pay bills and attempt a savings account..i totally agree with everyone of these posts..but, she would never read anything about CREI until she started to physically see what it was like to be back to no cash on hand..i got her intersted back into REI when i showed her on paper the money to be made..i guess what im trying to say is she would not listen or read anything..it was theory to her, not fact..you may need another view such as a partner to back up your deals for a while..instead of telling her what its all about, show her..i dont know if your in the airforce or not, having a fixed income, but you need to plug away..the more i distanced myself with my own earned money with other investors the more she had time to think about it, as herself not being a key person..this will take away the spotlight where she may think back to old days of spending money..spending money was my girlfriends release its where she felt safe..if you take away the impulse of later days and take care of the basics finacially while moving on your own towards CREI she will see or at least acknowledge the importants and passion you have for bettering both of your lives..it worked for me, i am now out of commercial diving and back into CREI full time and she is happy with the pay checks..im still not married after 12 years being together but until money issues do not become an issue it will stay the way it is..stay where you are IMO, but pursue what you know will better the two of you..
regards-pat
Quote:
On 2003-11-25 04:13, lacashman wrote:
>But untill she has come around to your way of thinking do not plan to mingle money.
This in my opinion is the best advice in dealing with a relationship where the significant other is not responsible enough to handle personal finances.
Its better than "making" someone see things your way since they can have the opportunity to experience firsthand what you are trying to explain. ie: consequences of poor financial planning.
From my experience I had a relationship where my girlfriend made more money AND worked longer hours than me. Despite this, I had more money to do the things I wanted while she was always broke. The only reason was my ability to handle my finances better and separately. It was a hard lesson for her but neccessary part of basic survival.
As a result she is more responsible.
.
If you have a strong interest in real estate, perhaps you could interest her in going to real estate school together and getting licensed. Maybe she'd be interested in doing some real estate deals if it was more like a career move instead of a hobby. Learning together would give you the chance to spend time together, work together and maybe have alot of tax write-offs working in a home office too.
Maybe by wanting to go out all the time, she just wants to spend time with you, and is just going about getting your attention the wrong way. (alot of maybes, i know).
I may be way off, but it's worth a try if she's just feeling under-appreciated and wants your time and attention.
I love the envelope idea and am making some right now. I also just finished the book Rich Dad Poor Dad, (bought it on EBAY for a buck) and I love the book who everrecomended that book a million thanks. In that book I came across a section that talked a little bit about Tax lien certs. and tax deeds and my eagerness to learn it through the roof. I have also got "my other half" to take a little intrest in the subject which is great because she at first had no intrest. I have no just purchased Richest man in babylon and think and grow rich, (Also on ebay for a buck) they are next. hummm a real estate class? how would I get around to finding one of those? any hints would be great! also if anyone has a book called the 16% solution in EBOOK style would you send it to me I can't find that one. A MILLION THANK YOUS TO EVERYONE.
Mike...
cant lead a horse to water and make em drink....i tried. got kicked int teeth (twice)
What if your future husband has a tax kien that he is in the process of paying. He has absolutely no debt other than this lien that is being hhandled by a tax lawyer, Should I wait to marry him until the lein is paid in full. Will I be penalized?
Maybe your lady likes the good life, or thinks if you love her you'd be taking her out & romancing her more often. Maybe she's afraid the relationship will break up so why save money. Make an effort to understand what's at the back of her attitude, then try to get her to help you save money by rewarding her for doing it. Here's some suggestions...
Have a cookie jar, put small change in there, periodically empty it out and use it to buy something she likes or go out for a meal.
Suggest that if she saves some of her tips too you will put the same amount of money in the pot and then after a couple of months you can go on a fabulous weekend away together.
Don't stand on your male pride - learn to cook, or at least to heat up those frozen meals you can buy in the supermarket (some of them are pretty good & cheaper than takeout); then buy a few candles & a rose (not too expensive flowers) and make a romantic evening together at home. Create the idea that being at home can be fun too.
These things won't make a bunch of money, but after a few months she may get the idea that saving a little each week/month has benefits for her too. Then you can start persuading her that saving to invest will have advantages too, and you can negotiate an agreement so that 1/4 of what gets saved goes in your investment account. Then slowly build that up to a greater percentage. But always remember to spend some of it on what makes life fun for her.
This is just a way to negotiate, but not with words. These kind of ideas sound silly but sometimes they work better than arguments!
I also agree with the Rich Dad Poor Dad idea and there are many others that have contributed good thoughts also. I would like to suggest a couple of things. First of all, if she is truly burning up that much cash each month that she may be, in vain, trying to buy her happiness rather than just being content with who she is and what she already has. Just a thought that may help you probe what is going on. The other thing in addition to suggest that she read some books is to start talking with her about both of your wants and dreams. Ask her what kinds of things that she would like to have and what places she would like to visit. I cannot fathom that she would say nothing!!! After she tells you these things, thank her for sharing and then ask her how the two of you would pay for those things. Hopefully that will get some wheels turning and make her understand the value of money which I totally believe is time. How much time did it cost to pay for that car, sweater, vacation, etc. etc. Do not expect any quick changes and be patient and hopefully she will come around. I will be praying for you guys!!
I think they're prescribing Celexa now to curb compulsive shopping.
Hi there Mike, I had to answer cuz I feel that I am in the same area you are except that I am the female and the man I live with is the one who doesn't get the save money thing. I have made some bad decisions regarding debt in the past that were okay until my job changed but now I am trying desparately to save and invest and either I get the "I deserve to buy this XXX.:" or "I am so tired of hearing you say we can't afford that extra XXX." Like a previous poster above I am in the decision making process because after 3 1/2 years he ain't gonna change! lol So, all this was to say that you have to give up trying to change her and either deal with the way things are and set a few ground rules, or keep it all 100% seperate.
Hi there Mike, I had to answer cuz I feel that I am in the same area you are except that I am the female and the man I live with is the one who doesn't get the save money thing. I have made some bad decisions regarding debt in the past that were okay until my job changed but now I am trying desparately to save and invest and either I get the "I deserve to buy this XXX.:" or "I am so tired of hearing you say we can't afford that extra XXX." Like a previous poster above I am in the decision making process because after 3 1/2 years he ain't gonna change! lol So, all this was to say that you have to give up trying to change her and either deal with the way things are and set a few ground rules, or keep it all 100% seperate.
Hi Mike and others on this post. Many good replies for sure. I have been there, done that and struggled seemingly forever, I went through the counciler trip. i guess uf you have a good one it is great, if not it only makes bad worse. Sadly we had a bad one... well maybe worse than bad. She (the wife) unfortunately was killed in an accident, but she never learned that she could or should have any excess money. She too was a waitress for several www.years.I recently (in the past few years) learned a very good lesson, albeit don't personally affect me at present..
Every couple, married or cohabiting should maintain seperate credit. If you agree on your spending habits or not. That way if one of you get upside down in financial straits, you can live on the others credit while your getting squared around on the other. You can get your credit screwed up in as little as 3 to 6 months, and it'll take 2 to 3 years to get it right again. I am tying to get my daughters (all grown ladies) to inderstand that too, and I am working with my grand daughter to get out of such a comingled mess. She will never let herself get in such a position again, I'd bet the ranch on that. She has learned.
Good luck to all/ the best to you, and I hope even one of you will benefit this. I'd have given much to have known it years before.
[ Edited by ozzie on Date 03/14/2004 ][ Edited by ozzie on Date 03/14/2004 ]
I was in a very similar situation. My wife and I got married after the two of us graduated and we both had about 60,000 in credit card and student loan debt. Then our car died and we had an additional 10,000 car payment. On top of that, our apt was bare except for the old furniture that was given to us. Most people would probably have gone bankrupt as things were tight and my wife wanted new furniture. So, I came up with a plan:
1) I got a part-time job and every paycheck went to the nastiest debt we had that was about $4,000 with a 23% interest rate.
2) I made my wife a deal. Once we paid off a certain amount of debt (about $2500), put $500 into savings and had enough in to bank for a new living room suite, we would buy it. So, we both got what we wanted. A lot of times, she would kick and scream when she was half way there, but, I stood by our agreement. When we actaully purchased the first set of furniture, she noted she felt great about it because she "worked" for it and because every sales guy that offered GREAT terms was told "We'll be paying cash. But thanks."
I am hoping to be investing in RE within the next couple months as a rehabber. And, my wife and I will be debt-free within 12 months. We only started with this program about a year ago. I am not claiming to be an expert; but, this worked very well for me.
Good Luck...Joe
OMG!! Coming from a woman's point of view they ought to be lucky that you care so much about finances!! Especially so much that you do the grocery shopping, cooking, investing..etc!! Wish there were more men out there that care so much. My husband is like the wives, and me trying to save is impossible.
I agree with keeping your money seperate. After all you are NOT married. If you guys are sharing the bills then seperate the bills so each has there own responsibility. Make sure the ones she is responsible for are in HER name, that way if she is short SHE suffers the consequences for her frivilous spending. Do not cover her when she is short. She just might learn from the self inflicted stress she creates for herself. If you are always preacing then resentment will build up.
hate to say it but some things are "deal breaker" you need to decide.[ Edited by WheelerDealer on Date 04/02/2004 ]