An Introduction to Broker Speak

For a long time I have been threatening to start a thread on the things that Real estate brokers say that either don't mean anything or mean something radically different than what they appear to mean. On reflection, however, this topic appears to deserve a full-fledged article. Heck I'm beginning to believe that it will require dictionary-length treatment.


The only reason I haven't done this before now is that I don't want to be accused of broker bashing. There is plenty of that around TCI so I guess I need to start with a disclaimer. A good broker is your best asset in this business, a bad one your worst liability.



So it's been a really long week (mercury is retrograde and nothing requiring good communication is working very well) and today I spent 30 minutes looking for a building because the broker's description included this:



20 foot clear ceiling height.



So my notes give an address on 75th Place in Chicago but when I get there there is no 20 foot tall building. Half a block north at 75th Street there is a building with probably 25 foot clear but its much bigger than the 30,000 square feet I'm looking for. So we (I'm with a broker friend who shows me a lot of stuff) call the listing agent who says she doesn't know if its on 75th Place or 75th Street (it turns out this agent is only the co-lister and the lack of certainty about the address is only the beginning of the depths of her ignorance on this building). But she gives us a description of the outside of the building (it has a brightly colored mural on the outside) and this makes it much easier to locate and we meet the listing agent in front of the building on 75th Place for our walk through.



Well it is pretty obvious from outside that this building doesn't have 20 foot ceilings which my agent points out. But the seller's agent is sure that it does.



"Simple explanation", I say, "it's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside". My first opportunity to purchase a truly miraculous building! I am so excited!



Sure enough, we get inside and the ceiling height is no more than 14 feet.



Now ceiling height is a big deal in commercial and industrial real estate. Lots of people won't look at anything less than 20 feet because it won't accommodate their machinery or their pallet racks or whatever (fortunately I am not one of those people or I'd be really angry about a broker schlepping me down to the south side for a 20 foot building which is only 14 foot high). So this is not a trivial mistake but I finally figure out that it is not a mistake at all. It is another example of broker-speak.



Broker-speak is a language spoken only by real estate agents. I am working on a translation guide and it is with this public service goal in mind that I am soliciting the help of the TCI membership.



Please post your most outrageous examples of broker-speak along with translation into standard American English (British is also acceptable). For example:



"20 foot clear ceilings" actually means:



"taller than the ceiling in my living room".



"High profile location"actually means:



"hidden at the back of an industrial park"



"Potential Condo Conversion"actually means,



"makes no sense whatever as a rental building."



"Great for investors" actually means



"you wouldn't want to live here"



"Fixer-Upper" actually means,



"ready for demolition"



The most egregious example of broker-speak I ever saw, however was the phrase



"Positive Cash flow"



on a building which was vacant and uninhabitable. I am still trying to decipher this one however there is a sort-of default translation which you can always use for any broker-speak phrase which you are having real difficulty with "I think you should buy this because I really need the commission."



Your suggestions and assistance for further contributions to my Broker-Speak/English dictionary would be greatly appreciated.